Don't Let Your Fear of Failure Hold You Back
They say success is a sequence of failures. It sounds very inspiring until it’s your turn and now you have to learn how to get up.
I have met my most recent failure these days. I had planned to study abroad. Bought a plane ticket, left my home, applied for houses, made friends, and joined group chats. It was supposed to be my first year abroad. But in the end, it fell through.
I’m left hurt and honestly very sad, but in my moment of introspection, I found clarity and reached some conclusions.
Here are six lessons from failure I took away. Maybe they’ll help you handle your failures or bring some perspective.
1. It’s okay to cry
You might believe that not crying makes you stronger, but the reality is, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Crying regulates your nervous system which in turn helps relieve stress. So cry if you’re hurting. Feel your pain and let it go.
You might feel vulnerable and embarrassed, but it is okay. Crying is a normal response to pain, so lean on your support system and give them a chance to be there for you.
2. Move in private
Win in private and take your losses in private. It helps in avoiding embarrassment. You also don’t have to explain everything to everyone. It’s easier that way.
Another reason to keep goals private is that research suggests that the more people you tell your goals to, the less likely you are to make them happen. That is because your brain releases hormones that trick you into believing your goal is already done. Because you feel the satisfaction you become less motivated to finish what you start.
I remind you that private isn’t a secret. You can tell your close people about your life and consult them for opinions if you wish. I advise you, however, to not let it out of your circle. Like my mom says “Not everybody that’s laughing with you is your friend”. Some people are low-key haters and root/sabotage you to fail.
So set your goals, make a plan, and seek advice if needed from close friends and family, but keep it private until it is done.
3. Take responsibility and accept your current situation
Recognize that you have failed and provide yourself with some consolation. Let me teach you how.
Look in the mirror and pretend you’re talking to a friend. Listen to what you’ve said to your “friend” and compare it with what you have been saying to yourself in the same situation. It will probably sound very different. We tend to be harsh with ourselves.
Now evaluate these thoughts and be mindful about how you talk to yourself. Notice when you call yourself bad names, or when you begin to catastrophize.
Choose to be kind to yourself every time that happens. Have empathy for yourself as you would for anyone else. This is how you create the habit of calming yourself down and valuing yourself.
At this point, when you are down, avoid laying blame on yourself and others. Even if you believe you should have known better you don’t have to blame yourself for not being able to predict this outcome.
The goal in this step is to take responsibility for the situation you are in because no matter what happened or why, you had a part in it.
Once you decide that everything from this point is your responsabiliy you will naturally take control of the situation.
Remember. You can’t control what other people do, or if you failed or not. You can only control your reaction and make better decisions. The only thing you can do is logically assess what was your role in this failure and understand what you could do better next time.
4. Don’t blame other people
So if you’re not blaming others or yourself what do you do?
You cry, take your loss, console yourself, take responsibility and find solutions to your problem. In that order.
The time you use to blame other people is precious and could be used to improve your situation. Especially if it’s a financial blow.
The time after a failure is when you should be solution-oriented. Although you should take time to process your pain, make a plan as soon as you have the mental space and take action.
5. Don’t get attached to the feeling of failure
After failing it can be comfortable to be sitting in misery. People feel sorry for you and you’re the centre of attention for a while.
Some people get stuck imagining what would have been. Don’t.
This is your new reality so accept it as fast as possible. Make it a happy reality as soon as you can.
If you can try again at your goals do that. If you can’t, find a plan that will leave you equally satisfied. Don’t feel undeserving of good things because of a setback. Don’t aim lower.
It’s okay to find something “lesser” than what you want if it gives you room for improvement.
6. You will probably fail more. Get used to it
We are all living for the first time so mistakes are a given. You need to embrace them so they won’t eat you alive.
If you have failed at something it means you were trying to do something. Only those who never go after their dream have the luxury to never fail.
All great advancements in the world were obtained through trial and error. You need to fail to get enough information about what works and what does not. And then you try again with more knowledge.
Remember that failure is man-made. What is defined as failure is different for each person. It’s an invention so you can change what failure means to you at any point in time.
Why Failure is needed for success
Failing is not the problem. The problem is that in the Western world, you are taught to see failure as something to avoid and not as part of the learning process.
From an early age, you are labelled based on how much you can “produce” and urged to value the appearance of perfect much more than reality.
Grades, rankings and classifications come as tools to quantify success. The other side of this coin is that you become just another number. Things that are not quantifiable become worthless in the eyes of society and very slowly your eyes as well.
You are conditioned to never show insecurities, weakness or failure and to perform and produce as much as possible. Only when you have reached a perfect goal or life, can you be truly loved or valued by others.
I want to advise you to not let this mentality consume you. Life is not an achievement competition. Your worth is not based on how much you have achieved and how much you have to give.
You can simply be and exist without constantly achieving or seeking. You can stop and take breaks and fail. And you need to fail in life.
Failing is essential to success because it teaches you to adapt, and sharpens your biggest weapons – all the things that are not quantifiable.
Tenacity, compassion, good communication, teamwork, creativity, leadership and more are things you should value outside the setting of achieving and productivity.
Because at the end of the day, these skills allow you to move forward and bounce back after a loss. They are the makers of success.
As long you repeat that the most important thing in life is to be perfect and not fail, you will continue to condemn yourself to be a prisoner of your failures and that creates a mental block for your success. You will be stuck in the past and believe you are not capable of chasing after what you want.
I recognize that it can be hard to take a step forward when things don’t go as planned, so I have written a step-by-step guide on how to deal with rejection and see setbacks as opportunities.
You can read it below.
Reframe our mindset to see rejection as an opportunity and redirection. Discover the 6 steps you can take to learn how to deal with rejection today.
Disclaimer: This article is informational only. This article does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional. If you have questions or concerns about mental health, you should make an appointment to see a board-certified psychologist.
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