Stop Caring About Opinions And Be Yourself
In the science world, there is something called relevant sources of information.
Whether it is a book, a journal or a scientific article, you have to read them to find information that proves your hypothesis is correct.
When you recite this information on a paper, you must list where you got it.
How does this apply to life? If you treat opinions as sources of information, you have to filter them and mention only the relevant ones.
Opinions can be a good source of information about yourself and help you grow.
The hard part is to decide which opinions are relevant. This blog post serves to help you figure that out.
This is an adaptation of a method used to identify relevant sources of information for academic papers.
It allows you to reevaluate unsolicited opinions in your life that are holding you back or stopping you from being your most authentic self.
You can find all the external references used to write this post here.
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What is an opinion?
An opinion is everything from a comment about your looks to a post on social media. Even a review from your boss on your work is an opinion.
Opinions bother you because you see them as personal criticism and personal attacks instead of subjective comments.
Opinions will stop bothering you when you see them as tools that exist to help you with self-improvement.
To understand what opinions are relevant and can help you grow as a person, 5 criteria can be applied: Authority, Accuracy, Objectivity, Coverage and Currency.
Think about each criterion individually. And for each criterion, answer the proposed questions.
1. Authority (who)
– Used to decide if it is someone you should listen to. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Is the author of this comment an important figure in your life (parent, family, close friend or mentor)?
- What is this person’s experience with you? Personal, professional, or mere acquaintance?
You receive dozens of opinions daily, making context essential to not feel personally attacked or victimized.
For example. The opinion of a stranger about your personality has no impact because talking about your personality requires knowing you personally. But talking about a first impression does not. Makes sense?
- Credibility. Is it someone you should believe in? And do you trust them?
If the answer to these questions is yes, move on to the next criteria.
On the contrary, if the answer is a no, move on with your life. This person is clearly not important enough to live in your head rent-free.
If you still cannot move on, think about why this opinion matters to you.
- Do you want to be liked, or do you need validation? Is this opinion a trigger to past traumas? Evaluate these options.
2. Currency (when)
– Used to help you put things in perspective. Ask yourself the following questions:
- When was this comment said? Does this person have currently any meaningful contact with you?
If this opinion has been bothering you for a long time, maybe it is time to confront whoever said it or let it go.
You may not be able to control other people’s mouths, but you have control over your reactions. Face it or move forward. Holding a grudge is possible if it takes your mind off it.
I also want to remind you that things may not have happened the way you remember. This person may have expressed themselves wrong.
Right now, you can take the time to revise this opinion and put things in perspective.
3. Coverage (what was said)
– Used to clarify the situation
- Do they know the whole story?
Not having complete information before commenting can make anyone wrong. You can choose to clarify and make peace or leave things as they are.
- Does this person have a unique perspective that cannot be found elsewhere? (They have been there or know someone who has).
You may feel bad, but listening to the opinions and points of view of those who have been where you are, can bring insight into your situation and help you see things clearly.
There is nothing wrong with listening to what someone who has been there, has to say. Just take the parts that fit into your particular situation.
4. Accuracy (how it was said)
– Used to decide if the opinion is based on facts. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Is the opinion provided based on proven facts?
- Have you heard similar things before?
- Does this information reveal a pattern of your behavior (good or bad)?
The most valuable opinions for you are from someone who has known you for a long time.
Even if they are unpleasant to hear, these conversations are based on knowledge and rely upon evidence rather than irony and anecdote.
Someone who knows you well can enlighten you on the results of your periodic behavior.
For example, If someone who lives with you keeps telling you “you always do this”. Instead of seeing it as a personal attack, you can see it as an opportunity to do better.
5. Objectivity (why it was said)
– Used to help you decide what to do next.
- How objective is the opinion? Is this person overwhelmed/emotional?
- What is the tone of language used (angry, sarcastic, emotive, objective)? It can be a joke you didn’t get.
If you heard this opinion from someone who is overwhelmed and emotional, then calm down. Let them calm down as well and communicate.
State your boundaries and apply consequences when they are not respected. Second chances are okay in this case because words said in anger are rarely meant.
Give grace, to receive grace when you say things that hurt as well.
- Is there an agenda? Could this person be doing it on purpose to spite you or cause a reaction? Manipulative behavior works this way sometimes.
- Does the information try to inform or persuade inappropriately? Is it to try and get you to do something you wouldn’t normally agree with or think is wrong? ex: peer pressure, guilt trip, emotional manipulation.
If the opinion had the sole purpose of manipulating you or making you do something you don’t want to do, do not engage in discussion.
Simply state your boundaries and apply consequences when they are not respected. Remember you can always leave the room.
What is a Relevant Opinion?
How do you identify relevant opinions then?
A relevant opinion, based on the criteria above, is the one that is coming from someone you’re in touch with, that you trust and who knows you.
This opinion is accurate and objective even if it is not pleasant and covers a relevant topic in your life.
What do you do with irrelevant opinions? You dismiss them expeditiously and without a second thought.
Remember that not everything said about you is the truth. Not even the bad things you say to yourself.
You are not powerless before comments and opinions that damage your mental health. Do not passively accept others’ opinions.
Go further and counter-argument, deny them. Show proof of your past behavior that contradicts this information or even ignore it.
Opinions and comments should be evaluated accurately, particularly when online.
You must be able to critically evaluate their appropriateness before relying on them and accepting them as truth.
Especially in today’s internet environment, everyone has an opinion. As a result, not all comments are reliable or true!
To be free, you must distinguish between different opinions and their different levels of value and importance to your life and then apply the relevant ones appropriately.
In general, other people’s opinions should be treated with caution and not believed immediately.
Disclaimer: This article is informational only. This article does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional. If you have questions or concerns about mental health, you should make an appointment to see a board-certified psychologist.
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